Do Not Take With Revenge
by Gaea Blackwell
Summary: Consider it a "sequel" to Marauders Digress. To put it in simple terms: Snape played a joke on Sirius. Sirius got mad. Sirius wants revenge. Sirius enlists aid of James and Remus. Moral: Potions and Revenge Do Not Mix.


Sixth-Year Potions _Can_ Go Wrong…Especially When Revenge is Involved.

James: Remind me why we're doing this again.

Remus: Because Sirius has that look in his eyes. You know it's unavoidable.

James: You mean the one with the twisted grin and half-twinkle that makes your very skin crawl – just with the anticipation of what could possibly be brewing in the mind of such a dangerous adolescent?

Remus: That would be the one.

Sirius: Okay, guys, I found the eye of newt, and the salamander skin is boiling in the fire. All we need is the wolfsbane.

Remus: Well, that's it.

Sirius: What?

Remus: You just convinced me.

Sirius: Of what? My dashing good looks? My unbelievable humor?

Remus: No and no. Though your humor _is_ quite unbelievable. You've merely convinced me of my own long-standing theory of relativity.

Sirius: Which would be…?

Remus: Anything that's related to you will meet certain death within days.

Sirius: I resent that.

James: I have the wolfsbane. But I'd suggest keeping it away from Remus, or we might have to answer a few difficult questions to Pomfrey-the-busybody.

Sirius: Yeah, I kind of figured that. Remus doesn't need anymore injuries than he already has to account for. Snape might get suspicious.

Remus: Oh, that'd be a new one.

James: What would?  
Remus: Snape? Suspicious? I've never seen _that_ happen before. *rolls his eyes*

Sirius: What are you talking about? Snape's never suspicious of anyone, of course not. He's harmless. He dreams about fuzzy little bunnies and the color pink.

James: You would know.

Sirius: I would, seeing as how I put the Dream Charm on him, just last week.

Remus: So _that_ explains the sudden John Lennon obsession of his!

Sirius: Exactly. The best way to get your enemies to hate you is to force them to sing "All You Need is Love."

James: Especially if they're Snape.

Sirius: My point exactly.

Remus: *cringes as he looks into the cauldron* Sirius? What is this potion supposed to do, exactly?

Sirius: If it fails, it'll be pretty harmless. Don't worry.

Remus: Yeah, but what if it succeeds?

Sirius: At best?

Remus: Yes.

Sirius: Well, we'll never have to worry about homework in Transfiguration, again.

James: I was afraid of this.

Sirius: As you very well should be. Snape _will_ be sorry for turning my quill into a piranha. 

Remus: Well, you have to admit, that _was_ quite amusing…

Sirius: Easy for you to say. You didn't have to scream in agony for a good five minutes, while the man-eating monster chewed happily at your flesh, waiting for the teacher to so much as _notice_ you.

Remus: No, but I did have to listen to your screaming.

James: You have to admit Sirius, that's almost as bad.

Sirius: Point taken. But I'm still going to have scars.

Remus: Look at it this way: You'll be able to tell your children and their children the horrific story of "The Time Snape's Spell Got Me."

Sirius: You're right, that is horrific.

James: You're agreeing?

Sirius: Of course. The idea of Snape ever achieving anything in life sends chills down my spine.

Remus: Not that I'm not highly amused by your onslaught of Snape-degradation, but the potion is gurgling.

Sirius: Oh, good.

Remus: Good? It's starting to belch!

Sirius: Mm-hmm. The desired effect is actually several rude noises before it's ready, but this'll have to do.

James: Someone _please_ remind me why I ever agreed to this…

Sirius: Whatever could you mean, James? You went into this quite whole-heartedly.

James: When was this? Before or after your piranha attack?

Sirius: Before, actually.

James: I see. Just make sure to warn me of any imposing life-contracts next time, okay?

Sirius: Why, whatever could you mean?

James: Shut up and stir, Piranha-Boy.

Remus: Well, he is right, James.

James: Not you, too.

Remus: Sorry. I rarely agree with Sirius, I admit it, but he's right this time, hard to believe as that may be.

James: You're right, I don't believe it.

Remus: At any rate, he's right. You were quite giddy with the prospect of…ahem…"making over" Snape.

James: That was before I knew salamander skin was involved.

Sirius: But it does wonders for the skin, really!

Remus: I hear it cleans up acne.

James: Well, goodness knows Snape could use some help in_ that_ department…

Sirius: You see? It's for the betterment of mankind!

Remus: I wouldn't go that far.

Sirius: Well, the betterment of Snape, then.

James: Hm…somehow, I don't think the Ministry of Ethical Magic Practice will buy that.

Sirius: True. But they _will_ buy the idea that Snape is an ugly git, and should therefore be obliterated from the face of the Earth – but we have to settle for this.

James: You prat. Even I don't buy that.

Remus: You have to admit, Sirius. It's a weak argument.

Sirius: That's why we're not making it.

James: We're not?

Sirius: No, of course not. Do I look stupid to you?

James: …

Remus: …

Sirius: *sighs* Don't answer that. 

James: Wasn't about to.

Remus: Ditto.

Sirius: But we're not making the argument – that's all that matters.

James: Well, then who bloody is?

Sirius: Peter.

Remus: I should have known.

Sirius: You did know, what are you talking about?

Remus: Obviously nothing that would keep you from endangering the life of Severus Snape.

Sirius: Oh, don't worry. I have no intentions of _killing_ the bloody git. That part comes later.

James: That's it, I'm done with this.

Sirius: You can't! You have to dump in the eye of newt!

James: Make me.

Remus: Ooo….

Sirius: Don't make me make you.

James: I'm making you make me. Deal with it.

Sirius: Fine. Be that way. Oh, Lily!

James: What could you possibly tell her that would sway me into your diabolical plots? Honestly, Sirius – you're losing your touch.

Sirius: Let me see…have I told Lily about that time in second year, yet?

Remus: Yes, but I never heard this one.

James: And you bloody-well never will!

Sirius: Hm…well, there goes that idea. What about…oh, I know. What about Moaning Myrtle's bathroom? That has quite an interesting story behind it.

Remus: You've quelled my curiosity. I hope you're happy.

James: You wouldn't.

Sirius: Ho! Look who's under-estimated the Great Padfooted One once again!

James: No, you wouldn't. Because I would have to counter-attack.

Sirius: James, no offense, but what could you gain by telling embarrassing stories about me to _your_ girlfriend? If anything, she might be attracted to me for my brave sense of adventure and never-ending wit. Where does that leave you?

James: I never said that I would tell Lily.

Sirius: Whom would you tell? If you were seen speaking to another girl, you'd just be even worse-off.

James: What makes you say that?

Remus: Well, James…Sirius has a point. Lily does seem to have you under her thumb.

James: I reiterate: What makes you say that?

Sirius: Hah! As if you don't know. "James, you're cheating on me!" "James, you don't really love me! You like Clarice more!" "James, I hate you!"

James: That has never happened. Lily trusts me.

Sirius: That's what you think.  
Remus: I hate to be the one to tell you this, James…but Lily's bugged our room.

James: I don't believe you.

Remus: It's true. She charmed the ants that live in the walls to report any suspicious behavior to her.

James: That's preposterous.

Sirius: He's not kidding. She showed me the charm. Watch. *points his wand at a chair* Revelus Totalus!

James: If you think that's actual Latin, you really _are_ a slow-minded, overgrown house-elf.

Sirius: So it's trashy. It means "Reveal the Whole Truth."

James: Yeah, and "Sirius" means "Dances with Wolves."

Remus: Well, actually…

James: Not a word, Wolf-Boy.

Sirius: *leaning an ear against the seat of the chair* My, my…old Bilius Weasley certainly has gotten the best of _us_…

Remus: What do you mean?

Sirius: My good friend, Chair, here, seems to think that Bilius has already gone to tell McGonagall about our Snape-Improving Potion.

James: There went my Head Boy nomination…

Sirius: Now, now…all we have to do is use up the potion, and then nobody can prove a thing.

Remus: And just whom do you propose we use it _on_? Snape isn't exactly at hand.

Sirius: Imagine. Of all times that we actually _want_ him here, he's off snogging some fifth-year Ravenclaw…

James: Seeing as how that Bugging Charm actually _works_…

Sirius: I do believe James is having a Mean Thought. Hallelujah!

Remus: I smell revenge. 

Sirius: How can you tell?

Remus: It's sweet.

James: As I was saying…

Sirius: Use it on Lily, right?

James: Well, you have to admit. She deserves it.

Sirius: Right-o, then. Dump in the newt eyes, and we'll be on our way.

James: Just as long as it isn't permanent.

Remus: Are you crazy? Nothing could be strong enough to last permanently on _Snape_.

James: But we're using it on Lily.

Sirius: Right, but if it wouldn't last on Snape, of course it wouldn't last on Lily.

James: I'll just pretend I didn't hear that.

Sirius: Good choice.

Remus: Well, gentlemen, shall we?

Sirius: We shall. Marauders – Away!


End file.
